Fix You
by lionmane5
Summary: Jack Harkness has always had a difficult life, but what happens when he can no longer focus? No longer bear to take in another breath? No longer dare speak another word? But no matter what he is always forced back into life.
1. Prolouge

Everything in my life was never right. Of course as a child I believed that everything was perfect. I had loving parents. A younger brother I was allowed to tease lightly. Perfect. Until that one day. That day where the worst species in the universe came over to my community. Usually they passed right over us, but for once they decided to stay and kill everything in sight. Dad gave me my little brother to take care of while he went back for Mom. I ran with my brother, but his hand slipped out of mine. I lost him. I lost my dad. My mother slowly went insane from grief, leaving me alone at the age of thirteen.

I continued on my own. Joined an agency. Met a Doctor. Changed in ways I can't even describe. My childhood was lost in memories. Nothing of that time matters. I might be lost now, but not as bad as before. Work was slowly pulling me back into the light, helping me along the way. Then they came into my life.

Those four people that I hold so close to me, never wanting to send them into battle. But I must. I know that their outcome might be different than mine! I can never stop worrying. Of course my fear is hidden behind my mask. My mask of happiness and enthusiasm, willing to do anything. The mask is never taken off, no matter if I'm alone or around people I trust. I hate hiding who I am, but what else can I do? My inner self would frighten everyone in my path. I could break someone with just a quick glance. The pity that everyone would turn towards me, as if I couldn't handle the pain that had been stirring inside me for years.

I wouldn't even be able to face my true self without hiding away in shame. All of my memories would transform into emotions, leaving me lost and stranded. All of this was my fault...hidden on my conscience. Captain Jack Harkness is a killer. I can never stop putting everyone I love into danger.


	2. Chapter 1-Torchwood

I blinked open my eyes, panting, breath uneven. A cold sweat was beading on my forehead as I shot forward, trying to calm my racing heart. Another nightmare. The same one that I had dream for the past week. I fell back onto my back and stared at the ceiling. My eyes flicked to the clock that rested on my nightstand. _'4:06'_ I sighed lightly, knowing that I wouldn't be getting any more sleep. I stood up and got ready for the day ahead. I pulled on my pressed trousers. I buttoned up my light blue shirt, finishing off my attire with my navy greatcoat. I pulled it over my shoulders and smiled to myself. I entered my office, stifling a yawn. I wished Ianto only came to work at five in the morning. Coffee sounded lovely.

I smiled to myself as I pulled a folder, that was bursting with paperwork, and placed it on my desk. I flipped it open and read through the first page. _UNIT...blah blah blah..._ I rolled my eyes as I finished reading the paper. I ripped it in half, not wanting to deal with the government.

I sat at my desk, continued to thumb through the papers. Time slipped away from me. I never realized how much time had passed until I heard the heavy gear door shifting and the alarm going off. _8 A.M._ I thought and stood up, stretching my legs. I plastered on a semi-fake smile as I walked out of my office, being greeted by the voices of Gwen Cooper and Ianto Jones. "Morning Jack!" Gwen smiled up at me. I nodded in return, my smile slowly growing. I looked down at Ianto who just nodded, able to tell how much sleep I had gotten. "I'll get on that coffee." He smiled lightly before turning around and entering the kitchen. "Tosh and Owen right behind you?" I asked as I headed down the steps, taking them two at a time, stopping beside Gwen. "Owen texted me, something about a hangover?" She said, chuckling lightly. I smirked lightly.

My grey eyes turned towards the door as the gear turned once more, allowing in Toshiko Sato. The Torchwood expert of gizmos and gadgets.

"Morning Tosh!" Gwen called cheerfully.

"Morning!" Tosh replied with a smile. "Owen's supposedly going to be late..." Her voice trailed off as I held up a hand, nodding slightly in understanding. "I know, suspected hangover." I chuckled lightly. "We can carry on without him for a few hours." Everyone nodded, Ianto too once he entered the room, having heard the whole conversation. He handed everyone a mug of coffee. "Thanks Ianto!" Gwen said, taking a sip. Tosh nodded. 'Thank you."

I offered a quick smile and lightly pecked Ianto on the cheek. "Thanks. Repay you later." I whispered into his ear. He blushed lightly before dipping his head and exiting back out of the Hub, heading up to the Tourist's office.

I turned back to the group, "Alright guys. Tosh please finish that report for UNIT, they've been nagging me on it." Tosh nodded and turned away, walking over to her desk. She sat down and her fingers immediately began to dance across the keys.

I looked over to Gwen, "And you can talk to the police and see what you can recover from the murder last night. Gwen nodded and walked over to her desk, pulling out her phone. She pressed a single number, speed-dialing her favorite officer.

I spun on my heels and headed back up the stairs to my office, coat tail banging against my legs.

I sat in my office for a few hours. Nothing had really happened. Gwen left to go have a coffee with Andy, but nothing severely major. I leaned back in my chair and stuck my feet on my desk as I nursed my fourth cup of coffee within three hours. I still couldn't shake my nightmare.

 _I was sitting on my bed, unable to stop the shadows from spreading. The shadows danced across the walls, graceful as a ribbon. I could feel the pounding at the back of my skull. I wanted it over. Wanted everything around me to fall apart and break, but I wouldn't budge. I wanted out of this life, always wanted it to be over. Wanted to be fixed._

I snapped back into reality at a soft knock on my closed office door. I opened my eyes and cleared my throat. "Come in."

"Hey Jack." Owen sighed as he pushed open the door, hand still on the knob. "Sorry I'm late." His voice was almost a whisper.

I shrugged, "No problem, but we're indoors Owen, lose the shades." I chuckled lightly as I watched him close the door and slowly walk away. My smile vanished as I set my cup back onto my desk, avoiding the paperwork that was splayed across the wooden surface. I sighed lightly and pinched the bridge of my nose, willing the nightmares to stop. I wanted a peaceful sleep for once.

I was unsure of how long I sat there. My eyes closed, my feet up on my desk, wide awake. I might have looked like I was sleeping, but I wasn't. This might have been the reason why my team never mentioned to me when they were leaving. I heard the alarm ring out and opened my eyes to find most of the lights shut off. I sighed lightly and stood up. I walked out of my office and down the stairs. My pace was slow as I crossed the Torchwood Hub. I was exhausted.

I pulled off my coat and unbuttoned my shirt. I changed into a pair of plaid pajama trousers and climbed up the ladder that lead to my little loft. I lay in my bed, arms laid behind my head. I closed my eyes, wishing that no more nightmares would haunt me.


	3. Chapter 2- When You Try Your Best

_I reached for my revolver as the Weevils slowly surrounded us. Ianto pulled out his gun as well. There were too many of them. We had both already tried the coms, but all we got was static. My only task was to make sure my lover stayed safe. My grey eyes flicked to him, watching him as he held out his gun at arms length and turned in a small circle, tense and ready to shoot. We slowly backed into each other, turning in a small circle. The Weevils remained where they were. If one made a move, both of us would fire._

 _Ten all around us. Their circle slowly becoming smaller. I cocked my revolver and shot one twice in the head, watching as both bullets exploded out the other side of the head. This cause an outburst. All of them growled, even the injured. The one that I shot launched forward, causing the others to begin fighting as well. Apparently the one that I show was the leader. I fired several shots, as did Ianto. There were just too many. I was the first to fall._

 _Seven of the Weevils took revenge on me for their fallen leader, leaving the tea boy to deal with two. I was forced away from him and backed into a wall. Their growls and snarls filed my ears as they sprang forward, digging their claws and teeth into my flesh. I heard Ianto scream out to me. He tried to shoot a couple off, but I was already done. I slid down the wall, blood dripping off of my face. Leaking from the corner of my mouth and several cuts across my skin. My breathing was slow as I watched the Weevils turn away from me, and focus their beady eyes on Ianto._

 _I wanted to call out. I wanted to stand up and save my Tea Boy from the aliens, but I couldn't. My strength was draining from my limbs, exiting through my blood as it spilled across the concrete. The last thing I saw was Ianto's beautiful eyes sparking with horror as they landed on me. His eyes silently pleaded. They wished I would get back up, praying I wouldn't die._

 _Even though I was dead, I could hear the shots that had been fired. The shots, the screams, and the screech of tires. The team had arrived. I floated around in the darkness, wanting to be brought back, wishing I was there. My death wasn't violent enough where it would take this long._

 _I blinked open my eyes as breath entered my lungs. My head ached, but I would deal with that later. I slowly stood up, my first breath of this life hitching in my throat. The Torchwood team were kneeling beside something, Owen hard at work. Gwen turned around to look at me. "Jack?" She questioned._

 _"But you were dead!" Tosh said as she looked up, eyes wide in shock._

 _I shook my head, "Don't focus on me, I'm fine." I muttered as I got up, ignoring the blood still running down my face. I saw what they were bending over. No matter how close they were I felt like the distance was miles. I broke into a sprint and slid on my knees, stopping beside the body of a man. "Ianto?" I whispered, unable to believe my eyes. I had let them take him._

 _"I'm sorry Jack..." Owen's voice trailed off. "He's...He's dead."_

 _"No..." My voice was barely a whisper._

 _Owen nodded to the rest of the group and slowly stood up. He motioned upwards, silently telling Gwen and Tosh to get out of here. Owen gathered up his medical supplies and turned towards the SUV, following behind the women._

 _I chocked on my tears as I sat by his head. The Torchwood Tea Boy. My Tea Boy. The love of my life, dead at my own feet. My own fault. A tear rolled down my street, making a path through the blood. I lightly picked up his head and set in my lap, as if one harsh move could break him even more. "Ianto." I whispered and twirled his blood-stained hair between my fingers. "I love you." I whispered, leaned down and lightly kissing his forehead. One of my tears dropped off my chin, landing next to his eye and falling down his face. "I'm so sorry. This is my fault love. All my fault."_

 _I closed my eyes and whimpered lightly, cradling his head against my chest._

I blinked open my eyes, staring at the ceiling of my little loft. My face was stained with tears, blankets thrown across the bed. I jolted up and flew down the ladder, trying to escape it all. I grabbed a shirt as well as my coat and hustled towards my office.

I pulled on my clothes and drew in a shuddering breath. It felt so real. His blood dripping from my hands. The sorrow still heavy within my chest. "I tired so hard." I muttered, 'But I couldn't succeed." I closed my eyes and looked at the ground, clenching and unclenching my fists nervously. I sat at my desk and leaned my elbows on the wood, grabbing onto my hair and lightly pulling it upward. _-I'm going insane...-_ I thought and squeezed my eyes shut, breath slow and jagged.

I blinked open my eyes and looked at the clock. "7:48" I muttered to myself and let go of my hair. I rubbed the tears off my face, the ones that I never realized I shed, and pulled a folder out of a drawer. I needed to look busy for when my team arrived. I was so tired of nightmares.


End file.
